Monday, July 20, 2009

How is Utah in July Like a Post-Apocalyptic Wasteland?

1. The HEAT! Unbearable, oppressive heat. The minute I step outside my front door, my being, from each internal organ down to my very soul is wilting and soon drenched in sweat.

Just Like: Planet of the Apes. In the original POTA, Chuck Heston and some other guys land in a horrific desert and at the beginning, have to walk for days just to find a single, tiny plant. When they do, Heston laughs and laughs and laughs, his mind boiled into nothingness by the sun.

2. Annoying, psychotic crowds. Utahns like their parades. So much, in fact that July in Provo sees two major parades in July. One for the 4th of July, and another for the 24th of July, otherwide known as Pioneer day. I have nothing against America or Pioneers, but I do have a problem with people who start camping out for a parade 3 DAYS BEFORE IT STARTS!

Just Like: Mad Max: Beyond Tunderdome. Remember the snarling crowds watching the brutal fighting in the Thunderdome? It's like that, but with marching bands.

3.An abundance of watersport vehicles. Whenever I get on the freeway, or even normal, main roads, I invariably end up behind some guy in a large, red pickup truck towing his beloved waverunners. He's probably either going to or getting back from some lake or reservoir, although I wouldn't put it past him to simply leave the trailer on his truck all summer long, "just in case."

Just Like: Waterworld. Dennis Hopper and his goons terrorize everyone with their watersport vehicles. I'm sure there was a red pickup in that movie too.

4.Machines endangering lives. Another thing that happens when I'm on the road: constant construction. Now, I realize that this is a fact of life in many states during the summer, not just Utah, but when you add the poor driving abilities of Utahns, any minor shift in lanes or slowdown area almost causes death and mayhem. The construction equipment placed willy-nilly, sometimes leaping into oncoming traffic can be downright terrifying.

Just Like: The Terminator Franchise, The Matrix. A large, yellow excavator is about as deadly as any of the giant, sentient machines in those films.

5.Loose, rampaging teens. Almost every night on my street, there are teens running amok, lighting fireworks and hooting their bizarre lust for the Jonas Brothers or whatever horrific Disney fad they're into currently. Granted, in Utah, they're not doing drugs or drinking, but running around hooting, in my mind, is more annoying in many ways.

Just Like: Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, Day of the Dead, Land of the Dead. Okay, maybe zombies don't hoot, but teens who love whatever crap the Disney Channel programs them with are zombies in my mind.

Friday, March 20, 2009


My wife and I have been slowly watching the entire series of the X-Files. As I have watched, I have noticed that quite a few episodes deal with people who are genetic freak of one kind or another who must prey on some part of living humans to survive. Basically these are vampires, albeit vampires who eat livers, fat, or cancer cells to live. This makes me wonder about the many varieties of vampire that could exist. Would a vampire that eats toenails be as scary? What about one who eats hair or simply ingests saliva through kissing? A vampire who eats cartilage? Is it the fact that they drink blood what makes regular vampires so scary? Or is it that they kill you ar can turn you in to one of them. I'm curious. What's your favorite vampire?

Monday, February 23, 2009

Did That Just Happen?

Last Friday, I leave campus, get in my car, and drive toward the exit. As I approach the stop sign, I see a woman standing in my way. This is an older woman, of indeterminate race, in her late fifties or early sixties, with long silver hair. As I approach, she moves out of the way, but as I stop, she comes and taps on my window. Confused, but not wanting to be rude, I roll it down. She asks me where I am going. Guessing that she wants a ride somewhere in town, I tell her that I am headed to the freeway and from there north. Acknowledging where I am going, she responds, "great, you can give me a ride." She then gets in my car. Confused, scared, but not wanting to be rude, I oblige. I drive her to her destination all the while listening to her tell me about what movies I should go see, including the comment that I should see Mamma Mia because, "it is not a guy movie like everyone thinks it is." And she clearly said "guy", not "gay", making it even weirder. At one point, I am unclear as to the directions she is giving me, so I ask her for clarity. She then very rudely asks if she's talking too fast. The whole experience left me baffled and slightly shaken because the woman was supremely creepy. I guess I should just be glad she didn't stab me and steal my car.

Friday, February 13, 2009

I Should Teach Comedy Instead

Rhetoric does not get you anywhere, because Hitler and Mussolini are just as good at rhetoric. But if you can bring these people down with comedy, they stand no chance.
-Mel Brooks

Friday, January 30, 2009

Sometimes I Miss the Cold War

If there was a cold war...

Thursday, December 11, 2008


I am often bombarded with baseless accusations that, were I to travel through time to the medieval era, I would be stuck as some sort of squire or perhaps, even a page. "Not so!" I cry, yet lack the evidence to prove them wrong. I recently took the "Kingdomality" personality test online and discovered that, if I had lived then:

Your distinct personality, The Discoverer, might be found in most of the thriving kingdoms of the time. Your overriding goal is to go where no one else has ever gone before. Regardless of the number of available natural problems to be solved, it is not unusual for you to continually challenge yourself with new situations or obstacles that you have created. You are an insatiable explorer of people, places, things and ideas. You thrive on constant change and anything new or different. On the positive side, you can be creatively rational as well as open minded and just. On the negative side, you might be an impractical and indecisive procrastinator. Interestingly, your preference is just as applicable in today's corporate kingdoms.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008


The last time I posted was ten days before my wedding. Since then, I've received no small amount of flack from erstwhile friends and well-wishers who hope for me to post some kind of update. Well, here we are. I bow down to your demands. I am well. I am good. I am great. Honestly, I can't think of a time when I've ever been happier. Being married is more than just having a new, gorgeous roommate, it's an experience I can't quite describe yet. Yes, there are the standard words for happiness, and I could throw them all at you, giving you some small amount of understanding, but it does not seem like enough. There are times when one might claim that "words fail" but for me, here, they do. I love my wife more than I can say. I am happy beyond mere adjectives.