Monday, July 20, 2009

How is Utah in July Like a Post-Apocalyptic Wasteland?

1. The HEAT! Unbearable, oppressive heat. The minute I step outside my front door, my being, from each internal organ down to my very soul is wilting and soon drenched in sweat.

Just Like: Planet of the Apes. In the original POTA, Chuck Heston and some other guys land in a horrific desert and at the beginning, have to walk for days just to find a single, tiny plant. When they do, Heston laughs and laughs and laughs, his mind boiled into nothingness by the sun.

2. Annoying, psychotic crowds. Utahns like their parades. So much, in fact that July in Provo sees two major parades in July. One for the 4th of July, and another for the 24th of July, otherwide known as Pioneer day. I have nothing against America or Pioneers, but I do have a problem with people who start camping out for a parade 3 DAYS BEFORE IT STARTS!

Just Like: Mad Max: Beyond Tunderdome. Remember the snarling crowds watching the brutal fighting in the Thunderdome? It's like that, but with marching bands.

3.An abundance of watersport vehicles. Whenever I get on the freeway, or even normal, main roads, I invariably end up behind some guy in a large, red pickup truck towing his beloved waverunners. He's probably either going to or getting back from some lake or reservoir, although I wouldn't put it past him to simply leave the trailer on his truck all summer long, "just in case."

Just Like: Waterworld. Dennis Hopper and his goons terrorize everyone with their watersport vehicles. I'm sure there was a red pickup in that movie too.

4.Machines endangering lives. Another thing that happens when I'm on the road: constant construction. Now, I realize that this is a fact of life in many states during the summer, not just Utah, but when you add the poor driving abilities of Utahns, any minor shift in lanes or slowdown area almost causes death and mayhem. The construction equipment placed willy-nilly, sometimes leaping into oncoming traffic can be downright terrifying.

Just Like: The Terminator Franchise, The Matrix. A large, yellow excavator is about as deadly as any of the giant, sentient machines in those films.

5.Loose, rampaging teens. Almost every night on my street, there are teens running amok, lighting fireworks and hooting their bizarre lust for the Jonas Brothers or whatever horrific Disney fad they're into currently. Granted, in Utah, they're not doing drugs or drinking, but running around hooting, in my mind, is more annoying in many ways.

Just Like: Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, Day of the Dead, Land of the Dead. Okay, maybe zombies don't hoot, but teens who love whatever crap the Disney Channel programs them with are zombies in my mind.



3 comments:

Brenna said...

So, Ryan when can we consider you a Utahn? How long have you lived there now, 10 years? Utah is a strange strange place.

Josh said...

For this reason I love you. Its not because you're my brother.....its because of this....

Anna said...

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