Kingdomality

I am often bombarded with baseless accusations that, were I to travel through time to the medieval era, I would be stuck as some sort of squire or perhaps, even a page. "Not so!" I cry, yet lack the evidence to prove them wrong. I recently took the "Kingdomality" personality test online and discovered that, if I had lived then:

Your distinct personality, The Discoverer, might be found in most of the thriving kingdoms of the time. Your overriding goal is to go where no one else has ever gone before. Regardless of the number of available natural problems to be solved, it is not unusual for you to continually challenge yourself with new situations or obstacles that you have created. You are an insatiable explorer of people, places, things and ideas. You thrive on constant change and anything new or different. On the positive side, you can be creatively rational as well as open minded and just. On the negative side, you might be an impractical and indecisive procrastinator. Interestingly, your preference is just as applicable in today's corporate kingdoms.

Bliss

The last time I posted was ten days before my wedding. Since then, I've received no small amount of flack from erstwhile friends and well-wishers who hope for me to post some kind of update. Well, here we are. I bow down to your demands. I am well. I am good. I am great. Honestly, I can't think of a time when I've ever been happier. Being married is more than just having a new, gorgeous roommate, it's an experience I can't quite describe yet. Yes, there are the standard words for happiness, and I could throw them all at you, giving you some small amount of understanding, but it does not seem like enough. There are times when one might claim that "words fail" but for me, here, they do. I love my wife more than I can say. I am happy beyond mere adjectives.

Me and Mrs. Jones

I'm sure that many of you are familiar with my venerable vehicle, Mrs. Jones. The good Mrs. is a 1989 Toyota Camry. She and I have had our share of wacky adventures, she was severely beat up during the filming of CTU: Provo, and broken into once. Things were still good though, until this last summer. The air conditioning totally failed. This was enough to drive a wedge between us. There were many muttered complains as the sweat oozed down my forehead, and onto my glasses. But now, I regret my words said to her in anger and haste. You see, on Saturday, Mrs. Jones was diagnosed as undriveable. There had been a strange knocking lately whenever I'd hit the brakes, she veer wildly to the side for no reason. I took her to a mechanic and it turns out that she is in need of costly repairs. So costly in fact, that it's been decided that I should rather purchase another car rather than repair Mrs. Jones. So, it looks like the end of another relationship, just before my wedding. So long, Mrs. Jones.

Concern for Industry

People often stop me on the street and ask, "Jeff, I find your blog endlessly fascinating. But one thing wraps my mind up in such questions that I am unable to function as a human being. Indeed, I have soiled myself nigh unto eight times this morning alone! I must ask! What industry are you involved in, exactly?" These people I usually kick in the shin or buy them a taco. If they don't know the answer, I'm certainly not going to tell them. Or you. Ha!

Buffalo

Recently, while perusing Google Analytics. I was compelled to look at the section that details where all of the people who look at my blog live. I was surprised to find that a good portion of recent visits had come from Buffalo, New York. I don't know anyone who lives there, and I cannot think of a compelling reason that an average Buffaloan would read my blog. Therefore, I have come to this conclusion: I have a celebrity stalker. This is not to say that I consider myself a celebrity. Rather, my stalker IS a celebrity. I looked up a list of famous people from Buffalo. That's when it all clicked into place. I've often spoken of my distaste for CNN's Wolf Blitzer. I find him vaguely annoying and can't stand to watch him for more than a few minutes. I've said this aloud many times, but little did I know that it would get back to him. Alas, it did, and now I have a Wolf problem. I'm sure he's reading up on me and plotting his revenge, sitting in his Situation Room, wringing his hands in anticipation, waiting for the right time to strike.

The Six Random Things You Meet in Heaven

Laurel tagged me. I'm not overly comfortable with people commanding me to say things, but in this case, I shall. The tag requires me to state six random things about myself. Very well, here you go.

1. I have never been to Belgium.
2. My freshman year roommate shot me in the neck.
3. My first words after being safe after a potentially lethal car accident were "I'm hungry, let's get some food."
4. I hate monkeys. I don't fear them. I hate them.
5. I have not worn corduroy pants since Kindergarten, when my mom made me wear them and I was embarrassed.
6. I once saw Pierce Brosnan at Disneyland

I Don't Give One

In an attempt to clear up certain misconceptions about me, I would like to state unequivocally that I have never eaten a fig. Not a Fig Newton, nor even a date (a dried fig). I resent any implication that I have. Thank you.

The Time Between Times

Since last weekend, two of my friends have found themselves in that marvelous time unique to Provo wherein they were forced to move out of their apartment, but can't move into their new one for two weeks. Normally, this would have them sleeping in cars, park benches, photo booths, clothing hampers on the sidewalk, or any number of small containers. But I have allowed them to stay with me. Since I am the only one in the apartment, it's no big deal, but since I am moving out myself in a week or so, the apartment has adopted sort of a warehouse feel, boxes stacked to the ceiling, unopened bags of generic cereal on the table, and the number of Mechwarrior figurines in the apartment has increased dramatically. And isn't that what really matters?

Strange Gardens

The fiancee and I took engagement pictures yesterday. Or locations of choice were several gardens in the Salt Lake area. My personal favorite was the Gilgal Garden, which I discovered on a paranormal website. It's a bizarre place with strange sculptures like this grasshopper/severed head area here. Perfect for romantic pictures.

The Next Step

Well, it seems that it's high time I wrote about my taking the next step into joining the adult world. A week ago, I asked my girlfriend to marry me. Surprisingly, everything went well. The only real flaw in my plan is that the location I had chosen to pop the question was destroyed some days beforehand. I had no knowledge of this as we hadn't been to the spot for almost a month. So anyway, amidst the ruins, I told the love of my life how I felt about her and proposed. It feels good to know that in a few short months, there will be a Mrs. Tromphlin to share my life with.

Hair Decisions

Since my sister-in-law moved away so suddenly, I find myself at a loss as to who will cut my hair. For a decent while now, I've been able to skillfully mooch my way into getting free haircuts. It was glorious. Saving money and looking stylish were the same thing. Now I am adrift back in the sea of cheap haircut options. Great Clips, Cost Cutters, some sketchy $5 haircut place, all of these urge people like me to enter their doors. But who to trust? Gah!

Selections From the WQ6 Quote Wall

In honor of the coming exodus from my longtime home, I have decided to post some selections from our beloved quote wall. You might think me above such things as inside jokes, but how wrong you are, Sir!

"Girls are such emotional balls!" - Joel

"She's got nice big ones...eyes!" - Mike

"This reminds me of my birth." - Paul, on being upside down on the couch

"It's really easy to like girls, until you get to know them." -Alan

Matt: (On Alan's dancing) "It looks like you're trying to take a dump."
Alan: "Really? I thought it looked hip."

"I keep getting requests from bisexual women in London who want to be friends with me!" - Stephen

"Apparently, he wants to impregnate Dumbledore." - Ryan

(singing) "You made us breakfast, F you!" - Joel

"Ryan, you've gotta stop referring to yourself as Keira Knightly!" - Josh

"I have a huge A!" - Alan

"Have you seen my IT?" - Chad

"Don 't touch my bosoms! At all! Ever!" - Stephen

"Giant hamburger? Haven't seen it." - Ryan

"We're declaring a national day of Alonzo Mourning?" - Alan

"Mike has stupid eyes!" - Ryan

"They're going to sword-fart!" - Mike

"Toby Keith IS the poor man's Toby Keith!" - Ryan

"You want some cheesy rice? You can put it on your wiener!" - Alan

"Oh, you mean endowed literally!" - Mike

"Here's the thing Josh...shut up!" - Joel

"Marie Osmond needed me!" - Alan

Jason: "Is Paul up?"
Matt: Yeah, I've been riding him...metaphorically."

"Let's just call it Jock Strap Night." - Matt

"...he broke his back...mountin'?" - Ryan

"If you're a person who uses instant messenger slang in everyday conversation, you need to be hit in the head with a board." - Ryan

Alan: "So, I'm engaged!"
Matt: "F!!!!"

"I don't want to hear you and Jennifer Love Hewitt in the same sentence again!" - Ryan (To Alan)

"I want to go to a funny church." - Jason

"Let's IMDB that a**hole!" - Jason

"Screwing friends is fun!" - Paul

"Here's an update: get bent!" - Paul

"I apologize for not having sufficient mammary glands." - Joel (To Josh's baby)

"Jason hates things. Anything that's a thing, he hates." - Ryan

Jason: How long is a fortnight?
Ryan and Alan: "Two weeks."
Jason: "F!!!"

"Matt just birthed himself on me!" - Rachel

"I'm used to having things thrown at me. Things that are women." - Alan

"If I were a woman, I would want to be Renee Zellweger." - Mike

"Boni- It's the plural of bonus." - Mike

"If a joke falls flat, it came from Matt. If there's laughter from all, it must be Paul." - Ryan and Matt

Ryan: "But who would win in a sarcasm contest?"
Jason: " A sarcastoff?"

"I decided it would be best if WE ate them." - Josh, on doughnuts

"My life is an Abba song." - Ryan

"If you're going to look seductive, you should be doing it on a clean surface." - Alan

"Double your Shatner, only five dollars?! I'm in!" - Jason

"I'm not comfortable interdigitating with my toes." - Charan

"I'm really impressed with the amount of abuse your crotch can take." - Alan

"I like knockers!" - Ryan

"Life sucks a lot, but most of the time it's good." - Josh

"I think marriage is like being stranded on a desert island with the hottest girl you've ever seen as your personal love slave... but once a month, she gives you a swift kick to the groin." - Mike

"I am considerate of your junk." - Joel

Thank you.

Footwear

So, I did something that I never thought I would do. I bought some flip-flops. For a bit of backstory, I've had the same sandals for 11 years. Yes, that may sound like along time, but they're served me well. But they were not flip-flops. I've never cared much for flip flops. The presence of something between my toes never quite sat well with me. the same with the constant suction to my foot. I have been a staunch hardliner against such things, but yesterday I was convinced to buy some and wear them. I can't say that I have totally, rescinded my earlier opinions, but I can at least say that they are not as uncomfortable as I previously thought.

Solo

So...It's been a while since my last post. And somehow that feels like a confession at an AA meeting. At least, that's what I assume AA meetings are like from years of tv viewing. Anyway, I thought I'd comment on the fact that I have no roommates anymore. It's odd. One of my roommates got married, one moved to Oregon, and one is doing an internship in Texas. This is the first time I've lived alone. Which is not to say that I'm actually alone, I have neighbors who like to pop in, a girlfriend who's over quite often, and the recently married roommate likes to spend his afternoons here playing Xbox. ( It's his xbox, which might explain that better.) With all sorts of people around, there's very little opportunity to feel lonely, or to walk around the apartment with no pants on. Sigh.

That Was a Weird One

Since I've already talked about odd dreams in one post, I didn't want to talk about it again so soon, but last night's was a doozy. I dreamt that while hunting for Sasquatch, I came across a group of small (1 foot tall) creatures with humanoid furry bodies but with a head like a moose. They lived in a volcano and ate people. That's not the worst part. They could talk and told me about their plans for world domination. Apparently after they ate someone, they could make a copy of that person that would be under their control. They would use that person's copy to lure others to their volcano where they would be eaten. They were evil. It was scary.

Back to Where I Once Belonged

My 10 year high school reunion is coming up this summer. (I know, I'm old.) I really don't want to go. I think about it and the vast majority of those people I have no desire to see ever again. Not that they were bad or evil or that high school was a terrible time. For the most part, I had fun back then. It's just that I feel very little connection with the random people I went to high school with. I've kept in touch with a few close friends and that seems to be enough for me. The reason I bring this up is because I came across the myspace pages for a few guys that I hung out with back then, and other than a mild curiosity, I feel very content with the friends and associates that I have now. I don't need a reunion. I don't need to compare my life with other people's... As long as their lives aren't better than mine.

A Season For Sneezes

Spring is when you feel like whistling even with a shoe full of slush.
-Doug Larson

I agree, except that there hasn't been much slush lately. Spring is nice, though, in spite of the allergies and the fact that it heralds the season of unbearable heat.

These Dreams

Lately, I've had some very bizarre dreams that I feel deserve to be written down in some form. First of all, the other night, I dreamt that I was in a Mexican restaurant with my roommate, Alan. We ordered flautas, which is one of my favorite Mexican foods. As I ate the flauta, I noticed that it tasted odd, which prompted me to go to the kitchen to find out what was the problem. It turned out that they had run out of regular flauta meat and were roasting robins, (yes, the birds) and then deep frying them in a tortilla. I was understandably upset, but somehow, the cooks convinced me that it was right and proper to eat roasted robins deep fried in a tortilla. Even Alan seemed to be enjoying them thoroughly. At this point, I left the restaurant and went outside where I ran into Barack Obama. At this point it gets hazy, but somehow, Obama and I travelled back in time to the 1950's in order to rob a bank. This was not done for any evil reasons, rather, somehow robbing this bank was the only way to save a man's life. It was wacky.

And last night's dream was not any better. It seems I was the American-born son of a South American diplomat and was kidnapped along with my little sister and taken to Mexico where we had to escape and struggle against many odds to make it back home. Also, this dream was entirely in Spanish. Fun, no?

For The Record

I don't hate James Taylor. I never said that I did. In fact, I find his mellow blend of folk-rock very pleasant. I simply was saying that when Tiddlefitz plays James Taylor, it is such a contrast to the awful music he usually plays that I forget to get mad at him. He's failing, though, I'm managed to cultivate to a steady grumpiness regarding him that should protect me from future James Taylor episodes.

Sinister!

I fell asleep on the couch earlier and woke up later to find James Taylor songs running through my head. I don't know why this is so, but I suspect foul play. While I was napping, none of my roommates came home. They were all out either hot tubbing or broadcasting the news. As for me, I hadn't thought of James Taylor at all in a good long while, so I don't think my subconscious is to blame. So what I believe to be true is that a mysterious neighbor, who we call "Tiddlefitz" is trying to win in a deadly game of annoying music. Usually, he plays really loud techno music at all hours, prompting me to become very upset. But I've been gradually learning to block out the bad techno. But I think he's upped the ante and started playing James Taylor songs while I'm asleep to throw me off. So that when the techno comes back, I'll unprepared for it and he will destroy me. But I see through your little game, Tiddlefitz. You won't take me down easily!

This Is Not Me

This is a picture of a sleeping cat. I put this here because the cat is in a state that I would very much like to be in. That state being sleep. Alas, I am not asleep, nor will I get to sleep for many, many hours. Also, unlike the cat, I am not fuzzy.

The Not So New Roommate

So, I've had time now to really get to know my new roommate. Alas, many of the things that I thought about him have turned out to be wrong. He is, in fact, funny. I retract that I ever said that he wasn't. He also doesn't listen to Journey. He's more of a Foreigner type. He was born in a pumpkin patch though.

The Frozen

Most people who know will eventually see that I don't do well in hot weather. In fact, once it gets over 80 degrees, I start complaining and sweating. And then complaining about the sweating. Why am I talking about this in January, you ask? Good question. Normally, I like cold weather. Cold? Fine Snow? Better. Ice? Well... normally I don't have a problem with ice. I respect the ice, and the ice seems to respect me. (It doesn't make me slip on it like some people) But now, something sinister is happening. I've started slipping on ice much more. Yesterday, walking home, I must have slipped and almost fallen about a dozen times. This is not good. Have I lost my powers of cold weather mastery? Or is it just the ice? Is the ice betraying me? After all we've shared? The forecast does not look good, friends. No, it does not.

It's Technology, Jerk!

So, to go along with my occasional theme of devices breaking or being surly when I try to use them, this week I've had to deal with two. First, my car battery died and was unable to be resuscitated. I had to buy a new battery and then buy a socket wrench with which to install said battery. Secondly, my computer suddenly decided that it no longer believes that it is a computer. It seems to feel that it would better serve me as a standard lump of inert matter. Like a rock. Or a paperweight. Or a dead rat. Stupid computer.

New Roommate

I have a new roommate. He moved in the other day. I shook his hand and since then we've exchanged maybe 5 words. Here are the arbitrary things that I have decided about him based on absolutely no evidence.

1. He is not funny. How could he be?

2. He really likes Journey.

3. He was born in a pumpkin patch.

4. He has all the makings of a classic late 19th century anarchist.

5. If he were to fight a clone of Lenin, the clone would win.

6. He once glued his hand to a 1994 Buick LeSabre.