How is Utah in July Like a Post-Apocalyptic Wasteland?

1. The HEAT! Unbearable, oppressive heat. The minute I step outside my front door, my being, from each internal organ down to my very soul is wilting and soon drenched in sweat.

Just Like: Planet of the Apes. In the original POTA, Chuck Heston and some other guys land in a horrific desert and at the beginning, have to walk for days just to find a single, tiny plant. When they do, Heston laughs and laughs and laughs, his mind boiled into nothingness by the sun.

2. Annoying, psychotic crowds. Utahns like their parades. So much, in fact that July in Provo sees two major parades in July. One for the 4th of July, and another for the 24th of July, otherwide known as Pioneer day. I have nothing against America or Pioneers, but I do have a problem with people who start camping out for a parade 3 DAYS BEFORE IT STARTS!

Just Like: Mad Max: Beyond Tunderdome. Remember the snarling crowds watching the brutal fighting in the Thunderdome? It's like that, but with marching bands.

3.An abundance of watersport vehicles. Whenever I get on the freeway, or even normal, main roads, I invariably end up behind some guy in a large, red pickup truck towing his beloved waverunners. He's probably either going to or getting back from some lake or reservoir, although I wouldn't put it past him to simply leave the trailer on his truck all summer long, "just in case."

Just Like: Waterworld. Dennis Hopper and his goons terrorize everyone with their watersport vehicles. I'm sure there was a red pickup in that movie too.

4.Machines endangering lives. Another thing that happens when I'm on the road: constant construction. Now, I realize that this is a fact of life in many states during the summer, not just Utah, but when you add the poor driving abilities of Utahns, any minor shift in lanes or slowdown area almost causes death and mayhem. The construction equipment placed willy-nilly, sometimes leaping into oncoming traffic can be downright terrifying.

Just Like: The Terminator Franchise, The Matrix. A large, yellow excavator is about as deadly as any of the giant, sentient machines in those films.

5.Loose, rampaging teens. Almost every night on my street, there are teens running amok, lighting fireworks and hooting their bizarre lust for the Jonas Brothers or whatever horrific Disney fad they're into currently. Granted, in Utah, they're not doing drugs or drinking, but running around hooting, in my mind, is more annoying in many ways.

Just Like: Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, Day of the Dead, Land of the Dead. Okay, maybe zombies don't hoot, but teens who love whatever crap the Disney Channel programs them with are zombies in my mind.

Vampires

My wife and I have been slowly watching the entire series of the X-Files. As I have watched, I have noticed that quite a few episodes deal with people who are genetic freak of one kind or another who must prey on some part of living humans to survive. Basically these are vampires, albeit vampires who eat livers, fat, or cancer cells to live. This makes me wonder about the many varieties of vampire that could exist. Would a vampire that eats toenails be as scary? What about one who eats hair or simply ingests saliva through kissing? A vampire who eats cartilage? Is it the fact that they drink blood what makes regular vampires so scary? Or is it that they kill you ar can turn you in to one of them. I'm curious. What's your favorite vampire?

Did That Just Happen?

Last Friday, I leave campus, get in my car, and drive toward the exit. As I approach the stop sign, I see a woman standing in my way. This is an older woman, of indeterminate race, in her late fifties or early sixties, with long silver hair. As I approach, she moves out of the way, but as I stop, she comes and taps on my window. Confused, but not wanting to be rude, I roll it down. She asks me where I am going. Guessing that she wants a ride somewhere in town, I tell her that I am headed to the freeway and from there north. Acknowledging where I am going, she responds, "great, you can give me a ride." She then gets in my car. Confused, scared, but not wanting to be rude, I oblige. I drive her to her destination all the while listening to her tell me about what movies I should go see, including the comment that I should see Mamma Mia because, "it is not a guy movie like everyone thinks it is." And she clearly said "guy", not "gay", making it even weirder. At one point, I am unclear as to the directions she is giving me, so I ask her for clarity. She then very rudely asks if she's talking too fast. The whole experience left me baffled and slightly shaken because the woman was supremely creepy. I guess I should just be glad she didn't stab me and steal my car.

I Should Teach Comedy Instead

Rhetoric does not get you anywhere, because Hitler and Mussolini are just as good at rhetoric. But if you can bring these people down with comedy, they stand no chance.
-Mel Brooks

Sometimes I Miss the Cold War

If there was a cold war...

Kingdomality

I am often bombarded with baseless accusations that, were I to travel through time to the medieval era, I would be stuck as some sort of squire or perhaps, even a page. "Not so!" I cry, yet lack the evidence to prove them wrong. I recently took the "Kingdomality" personality test online and discovered that, if I had lived then:

Your distinct personality, The Discoverer, might be found in most of the thriving kingdoms of the time. Your overriding goal is to go where no one else has ever gone before. Regardless of the number of available natural problems to be solved, it is not unusual for you to continually challenge yourself with new situations or obstacles that you have created. You are an insatiable explorer of people, places, things and ideas. You thrive on constant change and anything new or different. On the positive side, you can be creatively rational as well as open minded and just. On the negative side, you might be an impractical and indecisive procrastinator. Interestingly, your preference is just as applicable in today's corporate kingdoms.

Bliss

The last time I posted was ten days before my wedding. Since then, I've received no small amount of flack from erstwhile friends and well-wishers who hope for me to post some kind of update. Well, here we are. I bow down to your demands. I am well. I am good. I am great. Honestly, I can't think of a time when I've ever been happier. Being married is more than just having a new, gorgeous roommate, it's an experience I can't quite describe yet. Yes, there are the standard words for happiness, and I could throw them all at you, giving you some small amount of understanding, but it does not seem like enough. There are times when one might claim that "words fail" but for me, here, they do. I love my wife more than I can say. I am happy beyond mere adjectives.

Me and Mrs. Jones

I'm sure that many of you are familiar with my venerable vehicle, Mrs. Jones. The good Mrs. is a 1989 Toyota Camry. She and I have had our share of wacky adventures, she was severely beat up during the filming of CTU: Provo, and broken into once. Things were still good though, until this last summer. The air conditioning totally failed. This was enough to drive a wedge between us. There were many muttered complains as the sweat oozed down my forehead, and onto my glasses. But now, I regret my words said to her in anger and haste. You see, on Saturday, Mrs. Jones was diagnosed as undriveable. There had been a strange knocking lately whenever I'd hit the brakes, she veer wildly to the side for no reason. I took her to a mechanic and it turns out that she is in need of costly repairs. So costly in fact, that it's been decided that I should rather purchase another car rather than repair Mrs. Jones. So, it looks like the end of another relationship, just before my wedding. So long, Mrs. Jones.

Concern for Industry

People often stop me on the street and ask, "Jeff, I find your blog endlessly fascinating. But one thing wraps my mind up in such questions that I am unable to function as a human being. Indeed, I have soiled myself nigh unto eight times this morning alone! I must ask! What industry are you involved in, exactly?" These people I usually kick in the shin or buy them a taco. If they don't know the answer, I'm certainly not going to tell them. Or you. Ha!

Buffalo

Recently, while perusing Google Analytics. I was compelled to look at the section that details where all of the people who look at my blog live. I was surprised to find that a good portion of recent visits had come from Buffalo, New York. I don't know anyone who lives there, and I cannot think of a compelling reason that an average Buffaloan would read my blog. Therefore, I have come to this conclusion: I have a celebrity stalker. This is not to say that I consider myself a celebrity. Rather, my stalker IS a celebrity. I looked up a list of famous people from Buffalo. That's when it all clicked into place. I've often spoken of my distaste for CNN's Wolf Blitzer. I find him vaguely annoying and can't stand to watch him for more than a few minutes. I've said this aloud many times, but little did I know that it would get back to him. Alas, it did, and now I have a Wolf problem. I'm sure he's reading up on me and plotting his revenge, sitting in his Situation Room, wringing his hands in anticipation, waiting for the right time to strike.

The Six Random Things You Meet in Heaven

Laurel tagged me. I'm not overly comfortable with people commanding me to say things, but in this case, I shall. The tag requires me to state six random things about myself. Very well, here you go.

1. I have never been to Belgium.
2. My freshman year roommate shot me in the neck.
3. My first words after being safe after a potentially lethal car accident were "I'm hungry, let's get some food."
4. I hate monkeys. I don't fear them. I hate them.
5. I have not worn corduroy pants since Kindergarten, when my mom made me wear them and I was embarrassed.
6. I once saw Pierce Brosnan at Disneyland

I Don't Give One

In an attempt to clear up certain misconceptions about me, I would like to state unequivocally that I have never eaten a fig. Not a Fig Newton, nor even a date (a dried fig). I resent any implication that I have. Thank you.

The Time Between Times

Since last weekend, two of my friends have found themselves in that marvelous time unique to Provo wherein they were forced to move out of their apartment, but can't move into their new one for two weeks. Normally, this would have them sleeping in cars, park benches, photo booths, clothing hampers on the sidewalk, or any number of small containers. But I have allowed them to stay with me. Since I am the only one in the apartment, it's no big deal, but since I am moving out myself in a week or so, the apartment has adopted sort of a warehouse feel, boxes stacked to the ceiling, unopened bags of generic cereal on the table, and the number of Mechwarrior figurines in the apartment has increased dramatically. And isn't that what really matters?

Strange Gardens

The fiancee and I took engagement pictures yesterday. Or locations of choice were several gardens in the Salt Lake area. My personal favorite was the Gilgal Garden, which I discovered on a paranormal website. It's a bizarre place with strange sculptures like this grasshopper/severed head area here. Perfect for romantic pictures.

The Next Step

Well, it seems that it's high time I wrote about my taking the next step into joining the adult world. A week ago, I asked my girlfriend to marry me. Surprisingly, everything went well. The only real flaw in my plan is that the location I had chosen to pop the question was destroyed some days beforehand. I had no knowledge of this as we hadn't been to the spot for almost a month. So anyway, amidst the ruins, I told the love of my life how I felt about her and proposed. It feels good to know that in a few short months, there will be a Mrs. Tromphlin to share my life with.

Hair Decisions

Since my sister-in-law moved away so suddenly, I find myself at a loss as to who will cut my hair. For a decent while now, I've been able to skillfully mooch my way into getting free haircuts. It was glorious. Saving money and looking stylish were the same thing. Now I am adrift back in the sea of cheap haircut options. Great Clips, Cost Cutters, some sketchy $5 haircut place, all of these urge people like me to enter their doors. But who to trust? Gah!

Selections From the WQ6 Quote Wall

In honor of the coming exodus from my longtime home, I have decided to post some selections from our beloved quote wall. You might think me above such things as inside jokes, but how wrong you are, Sir!

"Girls are such emotional balls!" - Joel

"She's got nice big ones...eyes!" - Mike

"This reminds me of my birth." - Paul, on being upside down on the couch

"It's really easy to like girls, until you get to know them." -Alan

Matt: (On Alan's dancing) "It looks like you're trying to take a dump."
Alan: "Really? I thought it looked hip."

"I keep getting requests from bisexual women in London who want to be friends with me!" - Stephen

"Apparently, he wants to impregnate Dumbledore." - Ryan

(singing) "You made us breakfast, F you!" - Joel

"Ryan, you've gotta stop referring to yourself as Keira Knightly!" - Josh

"I have a huge A!" - Alan

"Have you seen my IT?" - Chad

"Don 't touch my bosoms! At all! Ever!" - Stephen

"Giant hamburger? Haven't seen it." - Ryan

"We're declaring a national day of Alonzo Mourning?" - Alan

"Mike has stupid eyes!" - Ryan

"They're going to sword-fart!" - Mike

"Toby Keith IS the poor man's Toby Keith!" - Ryan

"You want some cheesy rice? You can put it on your wiener!" - Alan

"Oh, you mean endowed literally!" - Mike

"Here's the thing Josh...shut up!" - Joel

"Marie Osmond needed me!" - Alan

Jason: "Is Paul up?"
Matt: Yeah, I've been riding him...metaphorically."

"Let's just call it Jock Strap Night." - Matt

"...he broke his back...mountin'?" - Ryan

"If you're a person who uses instant messenger slang in everyday conversation, you need to be hit in the head with a board." - Ryan

Alan: "So, I'm engaged!"
Matt: "F!!!!"

"I don't want to hear you and Jennifer Love Hewitt in the same sentence again!" - Ryan (To Alan)

"I want to go to a funny church." - Jason

"Let's IMDB that a**hole!" - Jason

"Screwing friends is fun!" - Paul

"Here's an update: get bent!" - Paul

"I apologize for not having sufficient mammary glands." - Joel (To Josh's baby)

"Jason hates things. Anything that's a thing, he hates." - Ryan

Jason: How long is a fortnight?
Ryan and Alan: "Two weeks."
Jason: "F!!!"

"Matt just birthed himself on me!" - Rachel

"I'm used to having things thrown at me. Things that are women." - Alan

"If I were a woman, I would want to be Renee Zellweger." - Mike

"Boni- It's the plural of bonus." - Mike

"If a joke falls flat, it came from Matt. If there's laughter from all, it must be Paul." - Ryan and Matt

Ryan: "But who would win in a sarcasm contest?"
Jason: " A sarcastoff?"

"I decided it would be best if WE ate them." - Josh, on doughnuts

"My life is an Abba song." - Ryan

"If you're going to look seductive, you should be doing it on a clean surface." - Alan

"Double your Shatner, only five dollars?! I'm in!" - Jason

"I'm not comfortable interdigitating with my toes." - Charan

"I'm really impressed with the amount of abuse your crotch can take." - Alan

"I like knockers!" - Ryan

"Life sucks a lot, but most of the time it's good." - Josh

"I think marriage is like being stranded on a desert island with the hottest girl you've ever seen as your personal love slave... but once a month, she gives you a swift kick to the groin." - Mike

"I am considerate of your junk." - Joel

Thank you.

Footwear

So, I did something that I never thought I would do. I bought some flip-flops. For a bit of backstory, I've had the same sandals for 11 years. Yes, that may sound like along time, but they're served me well. But they were not flip-flops. I've never cared much for flip flops. The presence of something between my toes never quite sat well with me. the same with the constant suction to my foot. I have been a staunch hardliner against such things, but yesterday I was convinced to buy some and wear them. I can't say that I have totally, rescinded my earlier opinions, but I can at least say that they are not as uncomfortable as I previously thought.

Solo

So...It's been a while since my last post. And somehow that feels like a confession at an AA meeting. At least, that's what I assume AA meetings are like from years of tv viewing. Anyway, I thought I'd comment on the fact that I have no roommates anymore. It's odd. One of my roommates got married, one moved to Oregon, and one is doing an internship in Texas. This is the first time I've lived alone. Which is not to say that I'm actually alone, I have neighbors who like to pop in, a girlfriend who's over quite often, and the recently married roommate likes to spend his afternoons here playing Xbox. ( It's his xbox, which might explain that better.) With all sorts of people around, there's very little opportunity to feel lonely, or to walk around the apartment with no pants on. Sigh.

That Was a Weird One

Since I've already talked about odd dreams in one post, I didn't want to talk about it again so soon, but last night's was a doozy. I dreamt that while hunting for Sasquatch, I came across a group of small (1 foot tall) creatures with humanoid furry bodies but with a head like a moose. They lived in a volcano and ate people. That's not the worst part. They could talk and told me about their plans for world domination. Apparently after they ate someone, they could make a copy of that person that would be under their control. They would use that person's copy to lure others to their volcano where they would be eaten. They were evil. It was scary.